Alone again

I am not sure if I am the only one who feels this way:

After marriage, you are alone again.

Couldn't find a place to post it. Can't post on the personal facebook since your sisters, daughter and friends with happy marriages are all there. Can't post on the 'colleagues facebook' since your ex-colleagues and ex-charges are there. Can't post on 'virtual friends facebook' since you don't know them and they don't know you. Can't post on familiar forums since people can do a search on you and know everything about you. Can't post on unfamiliar forums since there's no point.

So here it is.

Sometimes I truly can understand why girls go into same-gender relationships. Men just don't cut it when it comes to marriage.

Or perhaps it's just mine.

We can never sit down and talk calmly, nicely and objectively about a problem.

His tone is always irritated, aggressive, defensive.

We can never sit down to discuss how we can work things out. We just stop talking altogether because I refuse to continue with the hostile talk. Then we pretend nothing happens and go out for a nice meal. Or rather, we go out for a nice meal and pretend nothing happens.

This is why we eat at restaurants 80% to 90% of the time.

And I am not the paymaster.

It happens so often that it has become a habit for me to eat at restaurants. I have grown to like the cleanliness, ambience and perhaps the food. But it's a habit he cultivates unknowingly.

Perhaps he thinks that everything's okay as long as we don't talk. If that's the way he wants, I go along with it. I just eat.

Like every woman out there, I want a nice marriage. A marriage with a supportive husband in bringing children up, a partner you can be proud to say he is your better half even if he is not, a husband who takes care of you when you are pregnant and when you are in confinement. Who can forget the treatment she gets from her husband when she was pregnant and during confinement? I could sense the hatred and disgust when I told him I was not supposed to touch water or exert myself during confinement. He asked me in mockery if I were more useless than a handicapped. Who can forget that? Even my mother could tell that he was trying to get me to do housework. She cautioned me against washing clothes and touching water in particular.

A husband who can't communicate with you.

A husband whom you know won't take care of you when old and sick.

A husband who can't protect you if there ever is a crisis.

I feel alone. Very alone.

I go on my own trips.

I fight life's battles on my own.

I don't get to discuss with a husband on how to raise kids. Instead, I seek advice from colleagues on how to manage a teenager.

The only reason I get flowers from him on Valentine's Day is because I force him to, after many rounds of quarrel.

He says I want a perfect marriage.

Then I can only say that my friends' marriages are mostly perfect. Why can't I have one?

Even the uneducated housewife neighbour has a more perfect marriage. She doesn't need to fight with her husband to discuss something. She gets an allowance from her husband and makes the most out of it.

That brings me to another issue: allowance.

I work. I earn my own keeps. I save my own money.

So what the hell do I want an allowance for?

Despite not being highly educated, Fann Wong is a wise and shrewd woman when it comes to love. She said this:

A man who is stingy with his money is also stingy with his love.

I can't agree more with her.

Does Fann Wong earn her own keeps? Does she earn less than her husband? Yet I have no doubt that he gives her an allowance. It is a measure of your love.

But he says,"No. You are just after the money."

A husband you can't connect with - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

What do I want?

A husband who brings a smile to my face when I see him. A husband who I can seek comfort in when I feel defeated by life's battles. A husband who says 'Quit your job. Let me support you'. A husband who I feel safe with. A husband who shares housework with me. A husband who is capable of speaking calmly and discussing and resolving issues with sense and sensibility. A husband who does not harbour bitterness and racial discrimination in his heart. A husband who does not discuss politics and money over meals. A husband who focuses on the kids during meals. A husband who goes to church with me. A husband who prays with me. A husband who raises kids who love God with me.

Simply put: a husband who sees my needs. A husband who loves me.

He said,"Loving you is a tall order. Because you are a perfectionist."

Then why marry me?