Sleepless. Randoms.

I have been on a refusal mode to sleep.

Meaning, I am awake till 1 or 2, or even 3 or 4am, especially on Fridays and Saturdays.

I had always been a late sleeper since Primary 5. The first time I slept at 1 or 2am happened because I was looking for pictures of ministers of Singapore for a Moral and Education lesson, which wasn't required at all! As a child, I would prepare things in advance, thinking that teachers would request for them. I still remember the time I tried very hard to cut out a piece of rice sack just because I thought my art teacher would require us to get a piece of it for a kite-making lesson. I even cried out of desperation and my kind father offered to help me cut it out.

I slept late especially in my teens and twenties. Those were the ages I often spent time with 'myself' and my thoughts.

Since young, I had to share a bedroom with my sisters, so I, as well as my sisters, never had true privacy. I guess sleeping late is a way of getting privacy out of none. I would look out at the red sky and the stars and thought about things that I can't remember now.

Now, I seldom have time for myself. So perhaps sleeping late is a manifestation of the private me crying out for some moments of privacy and quiet.

It's not that I am not tired. In fact, I'm a little tired right this moment - my eyelids are half-closed. But for some reason, I don't really want to sleep.

After so many years, suddenly it dawned on me that I have not listened to my favourite Chinese pops and ballads for a very long time. And I do mean 'very long time' - at least 10 years? I have always been a Channel 8 and FM93.3 girl (okay, 'girl' is 'had').

I adore Faye Wong and Fish Leong. Incidentally, both have their names begin with 'F'.

I used to stay by the radio to listen and record the songs played on the station. I could spend the whole day by the radio. It really sounds silly. And I do think it was such a waste of time now. What was I thinking?

Now that I am always living on the edge of time, and feeling that 24 hours is not enough. I get exasperated and even disgusted that time is wasted.

I know I shouldn't, but I even applied this on Coco today. I caned her for wasting her whole morning and afternoon not doing anything.

I haven't really sat down to listen intently to any Chinese songs for more than ten years. I kinda stopped listening to them after I was pregnant with Coco. The pregnancy was a traumatic experience for me and it totally threw me off tangent. I went into a depression mode and seized by a great fear instantly, for months, till Coco was born.

A colleague shared that my English boss had returned to school with her baby a few days before she suffered the stroke. She said,"If anyone asks me how it feels like to be a mother, I would say it's wonderful."

Yes, it's wonderful to be a mother. It really is.

Seeing Coco's little alien-like eyes and pretty face cured my depression and dispelled my fear immediately.

I am really fortunate to have spent ten years with my kid/s.

God,

Can you grant my English boss the same privilege too? She couldn't wait for her kid to go to Primary One. I know she would be that perfect mother. God, is there a way to go about this? I am sorry I am not able to say that I would exchange place with her. No mother should be in such a condition. No mother deserves to be. She has done nothing to deserve this. When I said 'thank you' to her just the other day, for speaking up for me, she looked at me with her huge eyes, with a stoic expression, like she could understand what I uttered. I kept talking and she kept looking. God, how she would want to be normal again, to care for her baby. Even if she can't care for her baby, can you at least let her be able to speak, touch and hold her baby? God, this is cruelty at its worst: a mother loving her own baby, yet can't communicate with her baby in any way. I do so much want to be positive and confess that she will be well, but God, it pains me to see her in that state. God, help my unbelief.