Love vs marriage

Someone created a thread about a working mother's frustration and quite a few mothers posted about their struggles and unhappiness with their husband and marriages. Of course I was one of them.

One mother who read the thread commented that it should be love that makes the marriage go on, and not children.

I've been thinking about what she said.

I've been preoccupied with the idea of sticking with the marriage until I can't take it anymore. I'm resigned to a life that's loveless, passionless and full of shams and cheats. I'm resigned that good men are few and far in between and I'm not one of those girls to meet them.

I was chatting with someone from the chatroom when he commented that he's seen quite a few cases like mine - 'suffering to the max and not smart enough to get a divorce proper'.

I was asking him something about his impending migration to Canada with his girlfriend who he planned to married when he said,"fyi, i love her".

I've been too embroiled with life's struggles and this miserable marriage that I've forgotten that marriage is about love, not only about obligations, responsibilities, children and debts.

I thought about why I'd married William.

I thought about the days I felt very happy with him. I thought about the days we could communicate on the same wavelength, and what he said made sense. I thought about what he said about being able to understand me more than myself. I thought about the time when he wanted to send me home when it was only 9pm. Then I thought about the time when we first got married - he asked me to go buy him supper at 1am.

I ask myself if he really did love me, or was it a plot all along to trick me into a marriage.

But is it really worth me thinking so hard about all these?

When love is no longer there, or perhaps it's never been there, there's nothing to look back on.

The memories of the 'happy times' are fake. If he's really loved me, we won't have such a miserable marriage from the beginning.

I just wanted Coco to have a family. I just wanted her to go to a good school.

I just wanted to place her above me.

There was something that said it's not quite right, but I thought I shouldn't be so selfish. As a mother, my needs should take a backseat.

It's been almost 3 years.

I don't want to remain unhappy for the next few years. Someone said we only live once. We shouldn't waste time dwelling in some worthless mud.

Within 3 years, I've aged much, visibly. This marriage has worn me down, alot. No love. No warmth. Fights. Suspicions. No husbandry to speak of. No fatherhood to speak of. No future. No dream.

I don't want a life like this.

I've tried so hard to stick to my marriage vows. 'In poverty, in sickness'. How novel it sounds! I don't mind poverty really. But this poverty must be worth it. The husband must be worthy. How can you stick to someone who is always in poverty as a result of his foolishness and refuses to acknowledge that he's been imprudent with money? How can you stick to someone who has not fulfilled his responsibilities as a husband and expect you to fulfil your obligations as a wife?

Marriage is not a one-way traffic. Marriage is not a destination. I'd thought William could be the one who journey with me through this life. Life is hard enough.